Our Stressed-out Children – What Can We Do?

Our current times have been called by some “The Age of Anxiety.”  Certainly, each generation has its challenges.  Are recent concerns about the negative impacts of social media, devastating climate change, a recent global pandemic, and increased school shootings (to name a few) worse than concerns faced by previous generations?  I think in many important ways perhaps they are. 

For instance, previous generations have had existential (life-threatening concerns), but not concerns about the extinction of our planet.  Thoughtfully considering these issues can be grim, to say the least.  If the weight of these times exhausts our adult capacities to cope and maintain hope, how are our children faring?

Sadly, our children (and young adults) are not faring well.  Recent studies of life satisfaction and “happiness” are showing that the typical patterns of younger people generally being amongst the most content, are now the least so. 

What can we do to help our children cope with these challenges?  How can we help prepare them for lives that appear increasingly difficult, confusing, and frightening to navigate?

I suggest there are three key things that we can do:

1.  Face and manage your own worries and fears: 

For starters, we can recognize our own stresses and strains and work hard to cope with them to the best of our ability.  This means facing our fears and ultimately choosing to manage them the best we can.  In order to do this, we then have to reduce our unhealthy use of substances (alcohol, marijuana, prescription medications, and illicit drugs), and our everyday distractions like too much streaming and screentime, extreme video gaming, and the myriad forms of denial and avoidance we otherwise overuse.  This also means intentional and responsible self-care – building up our physical and emotional health and maintaining our wholistic health for ourselves so we are more capable of caring for others who need us.

2.  Listen to your children: 

While still focusing on our own needs and intelligent self-care, we can then turn to what we can do for others and particularly for our vulnerable and struggling children.  How do we do this?  We talk to them, and we listen to them.  Talking to them means letting them know what these real-world challenges are and how we understand them and how we try to cope with them.  We listen to what our children say about their worries, and we follow their lead with where we go and how far we take these conversations.  Some children may have immediate concerns about friend relationships or a bully at school or in the neighborhood.  Others may have fears about natural disasters like earthquakes or floods.  Depending on what they say, we can offer our empathy and support.  This may be a hug and or a kind word.  This may be saying we love them and that we will do what we can to try to protect them.  There may be times when we can reasonably reassure them about some of their worries and fears.  Most importantly, we need to take the time to just listen and be there for them in these challenging times.  If this sounds hard, you’re right.  But the need is greater now than ever.  Think about how hard your own childhood likely was at times.  Imagine adding to your childhood worries concerns about managing your social life online (and the risks of being left out, bullied, and/or publicly shamed), or fears about the extinction of our planet.  Listen to your kids and learn what it is like for them.

3. Get more support: 

If you’re doing your work and practicing self-care (step 1) and listening to the difficulties and concerns of your children (step 2) and still finding it overwhelming, you (and perhaps your children) may need more support.  This support can often come from our relationships with trusted others (other adult family members and friends).  This support can also come from other parents, school professionals, and mental and other health professionals.  For some parents this might mean getting into or back into psychotherapy and finding child therapists for their children.  Some may also benefit from couples and/or family therapy.  Mental health professionals can serve as initial consultants to help understand the scope of concerns and problems and make recommendations about how best to proceed. 

The best way for us to help our children in these troubled times is to choose to care for ourselves and for them.  This takes consistent intentions and actions.  It is our most important job.  Each of us can and must do this!